Many families struggle in the aftermath of divorce. In the following paragraphs, we will explore how to overcome some of the most important roadblocks that “re-formulated families’ experience. Please know that at Christian Counseling Associates we have a heart to help families who are struggling to do the very things we will suggest in this article. No matter where we are in our marriage, God desires an absolute commitment to our spouse and reconciliation when the relationship is off track. God has the power to heal the most difficult problems in a relationship.
For some, we know that without help, it will be impossible or even dangerous to try to accomplish some of the steps suggested below. Many others will struggle with fear or pride that will block the ability to move forward with an ex-spouse. If this is relevant to your specific situation, please reach out to us (Click her to visit our website) for a consultation regarding how counseling can help. For more information on this topic, I also suggest reading, The Smart Step-Family by Ron Deal.
Statistics show that one in two marriages end in divorce. However, more specific research indicates that 35% of persons who marry go through a divorce, and 18% of divorced persons are divorced multiple times. Therefore, statistically speaking, first marriages have the best rates of success. If you are now involved in a subsequent marriage, the best advice is to have the courage to identify and acknowledge your unique challenges and work on overcoming any roadblocks that stands in the way of building a great family, and a permanent bond with your spouse. Again, I want to express this with encouragement, knowing that many have tried again and again to resolve chronic issues with their ex-spouse. Please don’t give up!
For those who have been through a divorce with children, effective co-parenting is one of the key aspects in putting an end to the pain and dysfunction that occurred in the previous marriage. Committing to an effective co-parenting strategy is vital if divorced couples are going to overcome the issues of the past.
Research with children of divorced families demonstrates some significant trends that parents need be aware of when facing the goal of effective co-parenting. First, watching a divorce unfold is likely to be traumatizing to the involved children. Typically children will develop specific fears and insecurity regarding the future. Second, the absence of the father in co-parenting is a frequent occurrence in post divorced families. Due to this factor, children may face issues of separation and abandonment. Finally, studies indicate that up to half of all children develop negative emotional symptoms within 12 months of a divorce including: irritability, crying spells, fearfulness, decreased interest in academics, substance abuse, depression and aggressive behavior. Ultimately, these emotional and behavioral trends have the potential for a significantly negative impact on the development of the child.
However, there is hope for families moving forward from divorce. Studies demonstrate that children who cope most effectively are from households where parents are working together after the divorce. Listed below are 7 tips that can be employed as part of an effective co-parenting strategy:
- Set up a meeting with you ex-spouse and commit to forming a co-parenting plan that sets aside your differences and focuses on meeting the needs of your children.
- Set aside the past, and establish a focus on what needs to happen now.
- Agree with your ex-spouse to refrain (100%) from verbal criticism or displays of negative attitude toward the other parent when in the presence of the children.
- Agree on boundaries and household guidelines for raising the children – the goal is reaching consistency across households.
- Set up effective lines of communication – so that critical events in the life of the child can be communicated across households. (ex. Accidents, appointments, developmental milestones).
- Realize that children who are coping with divorce will have a propensity to test household boundaries. Consistency in co-parenting rules is vital. This supports a sense of emotional security in the daily lives of the children.
- Keep your ex-spouse informed of life changes (ex. new relationships, job changes, potential moving plans). Avoid making the child the primary source of this information. This places the child in the middle of an adult communication process and generates fear and tension. Co-parents should always have significant family information first, before it trickles down to the children.
After reviewing these steps, you may need to do some deep reflection. Are you ready to engage in these types of actions? If not, consider that counseling and supportive ministry may be necessary for a change of heart that will prepare you to take action in your family.Embracing an effective co-parenting plan will help your children normalize their family experience in the aftermath of divorce. The above techniques are designed to decrease fear, and promote a sense of security in the lives of children which can contribute to the stability of the re-formulated family.The key issue for parents who are facing the challenge of co-parenting is the development of a servant heart. Even though your marriage has ended, you can still commit to a mutually supportive co-parenting relationship to serve the continued best interests of your family.
However difficult your situation seems, there is hope. Jesus Christ shows us the ultimate example of a servant’s heart. Although He is God, He chose to leave His throne in heaven and come to earth (see John 3:16). This is the good news, whatever has been messed up in our lives, there is way back because of Jesus. He offers the possibility of forgiveness. Past this, there is always an opportunity for a new start. When we seek and follow Jesus, He can make all things new. During His ministry on earth, Jesus demonstrated His servant heart (please read John 13:1 – 17). In the gospel of John, we witness Jesus washing the disciples’ feet. In an act of humbleness, He demonstrated the type of servants we need to be as we lead a family. After He washes the disciples feet, Jesus tells us, “now that I, your Lord and Teacher, have washed your feet, you should also wash one another’s feet (John 13:14).”
At Christian Counseling Associates, our staff can help you develop and work on an effective co-parenting strategy. It’s not too late! We also have great resources available to keep you on the path to a Christ led household. Wherever you are in your marriage, consider attending our Marriage Enrichment weekend, “From This Day Forward. This event can give you tools for your current marriage that can help you along your journey.
