Cohesion (n) – The action or fact of forming a united whole.
Building cohesion in the family is key to its overall success. Being in a family requires working together. Families that make cohesion a priority will have great relationships. The family that loses sight of this task will struggle, and be in danger of developing dysfunctional and harmful habits.Ecclesiastes 4:12 reads, “And if one can overpower him who is alone, two can resist him. A cord of three strands is not quickly torn apart.” The ability to unite as a family is an opportunity to learn a vital life lesson. In all things, unity promotes success and safety. In a family, we have the opportunity to encourage, to advise, to work together, to love, and to sacrifice. Learning these skills prepares us for life.
Remember grade school health class? That lesson of taking a pulse? Remember how neat it was to feel your heart rate by putting two fingers on your wrist? Or how about when you got your first doctor’s kit, and went to your family members using the toy stethoscope? Wasn’t it a great feeling to discover that it actually worked! You could hear the actual heart, just like a real doctor.
Imagine that every family has a collective heart. Every family has a pulse. It is important to learn how to listen to the heart rate of your family. Checking in on this pulse can let you know if something needs serious attention or how well the family is working together. Here are five keys for promoting a healthy family “pulse.”
Five key ideas for building family cohesion
1. Create “Joining Activities” on a regular basis
Joining activities can be defined as opportunities to practice “cohesion.” The most important activity is attending church on a weekly basis. What are some other activities? Whatever creates a positive structure and gives your family something to look forward to together. Pull out your calendar and give priority time to a family game night, an outdoor sport like skiing or biking, or even weekend camping. Plan volunteer service projects together. Many churches have these activities scheduled on a regular basis.
2. Create a focus on the identity of your family
During your activity time together, make sure to tell the “important stories” of your family. Tell your children about how you and your spouse met. Tell them about your wedding. Tell them stories about their grandparents. Ask yourself, what are the events and stories that demonstrate admirable character traits in the history of the family. Important jobs, important milestones, cherished memories can provide many life lessons. Tell stories that demonstrate behavior that you want “re-enacted” in the life of your children.
3. Reinforce your family’s values
Proverbs 29:18 – Where there is no vision, the people are unrestrained. “Vision” refers to words from God received by prophets. Where there is ignorance or rejection of God, crime and sin run wild. Family values depend on the knowledge of God, and cherishing His ways, not ours. Making time for family bible study is vital. Plan weekly time to learn what God has to say through scripture. Discuss how God’s plan for your family can be lived out on a daily basis.
Organize discussions on family values according to three areas:
- Vision – where is God calling your family?
- Values – what specific values need to be embraced on your life journey.
- Goals – make short and long term goals with specific plans and benchmarks.
The most important aspect when reinforcing values is to be encouraging. Remember, slow and steady wins the race. Keep a consistent focus on building family values. Don’t give up. Your family will begin to come together in how it shares core life beliefs.
4. Create a culture of accountability
A culture of accountability requires asking “how are we doing.” With vision, values, and goals, there is a constant need for course correction. Check in regularly on the habits of the family unit. What bad habits need to stop? Look at how you spend money, spend time, when and how much you work. Are there any patterns of recklessness or irresponsible behavior? Is anybody in the family being treated unfairly? How is the health of your marriage? Create a system of focusing on the progress of your family. Do it together. Hold occasional family meetings in an encouraging environment. Ask honest questions of one another. Parents, do whatever it takes to model the behavior you expect from the rest of your family.
5. Loyalty to family members is primary
Learn to always stand up for your family in front of others. Your family members will not always be right. However, it is great to know that whether right or wrong, you are always loved and valued by your family. Don’t get me wrong, this does not mean that you approve of everything (remember accountability). Loyalty means that you never abandon your family members. You sacrifice for each other. You look for every opportunity to support one another. No one is more important than your family. Let this be clear to every family member. Demonstrate loyalty whenever possible.
Ask the question this week, “How is my family doing”. Listen for the pulse, the heartbeat of your family. Working together and building cohesion is a key victory on the road to an exceptional family.
